So a couple years ago, you died. But did you really? I'm kind of .. I don't know. Caught up in that thought. The thing is, I put a song on, and it's what I used to listen to all the time after you were gone. And I remembered. I got an email from you a few weeks ago. Well, it said that your lawyer made an agreement to send it to me on a certain date. I noticed a couple things though; for one it wasn't delivered on the correct date. It was meant to be sent on the date of your death. Yes, I still remember it. So if it's all real, god, that's so like you. You were always so damn dramatic. For another.. well.. I don't know. It sounded..too.. it was like you've been watching me. Like you've known everything I've been going through. It was..almost creepy. And I don't know what to make of that. But... damn it, I'm too confused to really think about it. I don't want to. If I could have you here still alive, then of course I'd be happy, but at the same time I wouldn't be. I would hate you. I would hate myself. I would be so angry after everything you put me through. That moment when I realised what had happened.. I just felt so fucking sick.. and I then sat blaming myself for about a year. And I'm not gonna lie, if I think about you too much I still blame myself. Because it was our god damn fight that set your heart off again, and if I hadn't been so mean to you all the time maybe.. Maybe you'd still be here. And if you are still here, if you've lied to me for your little drama.. Why? Why would you? I know I didn't feel the same, but I'm sorry, you were like my sister and I was too attached to you to feel that way. And if something could have happened.. I don't know. I just don't know. You were beautiful. And you were my friend. You were who I cried to. You were who I relied on. For so damn long. And in the blink of an eye, you were gone. Out of my life. But. What if you are still here, putting me through all that.. It's sick. It's horrible. It's terrible. It's stupid. And ..FUCK I can't think about it. I don't want you to be dead, but you are because there's nothing else you could be or I'd just.. I'd melt down. I can't.. No.
You always thought the world would just keep on spinning and nothing would change if you died, as well. Well, mines stopped. It stopped, Mona, and I didn't know what to do. What was I supposed to do? It was all my fault and I couldn't say sorry. I couldn't.. I just wanted you to know that I was sorry. That's all. I never even got to hear your voice. You realise that, right?
And you always worried me so much. You kept getting involved in stupid shit and getting yourself caught up in stupid ideas and the fights we had and the fights you had with Will and just.. DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT. You were always so sick and so broken and I couldn't ..help. Ever.
And I still feel horrible about when we first started talking. Because I hated you. I hated you so much. I thought you were some awful person and I just wanted you to go away. But you didn't. You wouldn't go away. You just.. persevered and I ended up loving you to pieces and vice versa but in a very different way. And after you died I had to make myself move on. I had to just.. put everything away into a little box and let it just.. melt away. I'd remember you, but .. I had to let it all go. And I did.
I kept talking to Will and we just fought all the time after that. I started to hate him and I don't know why. We stopped talking. We started talking a while ago, then we fell out again. I think our personalities all clashed a little, but somehow we still managed to be very..three musketeers-ish. With Mai occasionally included with her immense weirdness.. Lol.
Either way.. I'd made it all go away. It was just fond memories. Then.. the email.. and it all flooded back. But I made it go away again. I just.. I stopped it.
Then that song. That stupid song. And I felt like I was gonna break down in tears. Like that one night a couple weeks after it happened. It sunk in when that song came on my iPod. And you popped into my head. And I broke down in the middle of my bedroom. I stood there sobbing hysterically. I couldn't.. I just... You were gone. And I couldn't have stopped it.
Then like, two years ago.. I did something stupid. I used your name as a character in a play. The personality wasn't exactly the same, but..it was similar. And something stupidly horrid happened to that character. Something so ridiculous that it was the sorta thing that would happen to you. And I remember it getting too much for me, and my ex had to drag me into the hall so I could cry.
That's how much you meant to me. That's how much I miss you. So damn it, you better be gone. It sounds so twisted. I don't want you to be dead. But after all this time, you better be. Because I've gone through too many emotions to do with you for it to have all been a lie.
Damn it all.. I just.. I needed to get it off my chest. And now I'm realising how appropriate Pinks 'Who Knew' lyrics are.
"I'll keep you locked in my head, until we meet again, and I won't forget you my friend, what happened, if someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, cause they're all wrong, and that last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again, and time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling, who knew?"
I still think about you Mona. And I still miss you. You'll always have a special place in my heart saved. So..Please don't have lied to me. I don't want that to be wasted. What is it, three years now? I'd imagine so. Seems about right. It was hard to get past. Please don't bring it all up again. I've gone through too much recently, and I'm finally back on my feet. So please.
Guess I feel a bit better now. Kinda feel like I need a hug. And to cry the remnants of this out. I might do that now while I'm sorting some stuff.
This is the last time I'm doing this. I refuse to get upset over you anymore. That happened enough when you were alive. So.. bye Mona. And I'm sorry. for everything. This is the consequence of your early death. And it's probably what you always wanted. I'll never forget you. And you'll always be in my heart.